Spasmo!

soooo

2007-05-04T17:56:18Z

Monday is NYC with the lopersahn

Should be a BLAST.

Saved up alot/had alot of loot to make the trip extra nice.

Kind of alot of drama lately. Shit is lame. Made the last few days really hard to get through. Glad it is all over and done with as far as I know. I am still pretty upset by it though. Trust is something i REALLY really value. It is pretty shitty when those closest to you break that or make it so that you cant trust them as much as you wish you could.
I just hope that everything crappy is over and done with. I cant handle it anymore. I want stability back in my life. I was normalcy even. I want everything to go back to the way it was. I know it will. I mean, I hope so. I just hate transitional periods. Sometimes I wish I didnt find out the things I did. I wish I could be naive. But I cant. Sometimes it seems like a good way to go through life but Id always rather know the truth...even though it always crushes me...

Happy birthday again baby <3

I ONLY update from work

2007-03-27T13:46:04Z

I just got to work. I wanna go buy breakfast at Bagel Chateau but Im gonna post a quick update right quick. Things have been alright lately. The parental situation seems to be getting better? Popz moved back in last night (for a few days apparently) and we all ate dinner together. Me, my favortie girl in the world, Papa, n Mama. Jen went back to school yesterday afternoon. Apparently she already isnt happy being back again. Things were a little awkward but oh well. I cant expect much more then that right now I guess. My parents have beebn kinda cold to me recently. Its starting to piss me off. I know their whole situation is alot to handle for both of them, but dont really see why I am being treated differently as a result of it. Short phonecalls, never eating dinner together, never really seeing each other/let alone talking much. Me n Phee are rarely at the house as a result of it anyway. I mean, we usually spend as much time in Califon as we do in Pburg, but lately, it just seems pointless to be home when no one is there, or people arent really excited to see you.

Working almost everyday this week. I need money. I may try and find another job soon. I havent decided if it is to replace my current job, or to have two. I guess Ill find out soon though. Nike SB collecting has been put on a permanent hold basically. I havent had the money to buy any new ones. Also, the weather has been so shitty for the last few months I can barely even wear the 10 or so pairs I have already. It finally seems like it is getting nicer out, but between rain, and snow, and salt on the roads, I can never wear nice shoes. I wanna buy Godzilla Vs. Mothra (the thing) asap. There are so many things I wanna get on Amazon. But then again, when arent there. The Hideshi Hino art collection, Final Fantasy 8, and 9, The Guinea Pig DVD Boxset, Lupin the 3rd series (those I dont have), Simpsons Green and Blue DVD boxsets (I forget the season numbers) Castle of Cagliostro special 2 disk edition, Spirited Away, Nausicaa the Wind Valley, Castle in The Sky, Whisper of the Heart, Pom Poko, Princess Mononokee, Return of the Living Dead 1,2, n 3, Dragonball Z boxset 1 n 2, a goddamn WII!!! (I dont think we are ever going to get one at this point..) etc etc.

I never play videogames anymore aside from FF7 for PS1. That is probably one of the best games ever made. Seriously. I mean, I love any game that takes over 50 hours to beat, but the story is great n it is pretty damn challenging too. Lots of sidequests n bullshit like that as well. I only play videogames lately when Phee is on the computer or its one of those rare nights where we arent slumbering together.

I love Phee so much. Our relationship, like almost all other relationships, is one that is not without it's ups n downs, but lately, it is definitely on it's up streak. I just wanna spend every free minute I have with her. I dont know what I would do without her sometimes, but I am so thankful I have her. Its been about 9 or 10 months now that we have been together, and to be honest, time seriously just flies by when I am with her. It seems like only a month or two ago we were holding hands under a blanket somewhere in Kuttstown, and now we basically live together. I wouldnt have it any other way <3

Oh! In the process of starting a clothingline! Stay tuned d00dz!

Til' next time.. Which im sure will be a few months and another entry full of nothing you wanna read. heh hehhhhh.

writing an entry from work once again.. like usual...

2007-01-03T18:09:39Z

Soooo. This is the first week of 2007. I didnt make a resolution this year. Resolutions are a waste of time. I have never stuck with mine and I dont know anyone else that ever has either. Me and Phee n Marjorie are planning on going to the gym though. Not so much a resolution as something we all kinda need to do. ME and Phee are pretty outtah shape. I wont go into details, and Im sure im way more out of shaoe then she is, but its gettin a little rediculous. I hope we actually start going. The main thing keeping me from going is the money situation. I am currently 60 bucks or so in to saving up for a new tattoo from Josh(I didnt even make an appt. yet but I know he will be excited) and for getting Tiffany SB dunks from Steve in new Brunswick. Anyways, 2006 was a crazy year.. I will do my best to sum up the high and lowlights...

2006 in retrospect!
+ Cleaned up my act
+ Got out of a shitty relationship (thank goddd)
+ Stopped listening to people talking shit about old friends and realized they are pretty good friends
+ Starting dating the love of my life, Phee! Who basically lives with me now! Yessss.
+ Got a new tattoo
+ Got a shitload of DVDs
+ Saw the Texas Chainsaw prequel.. good movie mang.. see it
+ Had the best, most thoughtful birthday of my life courtesy of my beautiful girlfriend
+ Got her a siq ring that she wanted for a long time ( Yeah.. Im awesome :) )
+ Started hanging out with Mikey alot more... which is awesome
+ Found a well paying job that has flexible hours
+ Pretty sure im not allergic to cats anymore due to repeated exposure! (Starting to like em more..)
+ Started listening to Ghostface and Wu Tang again... Mmhmmm gurl!
+ Went to a business seminar. Learned alot
+ Bought and played Final Fantasy 3,4,5,12, and Tactics. Good year for games doodz
+ Took a few classes for a small sum of money and realized they werent for me without wasting a shitload of money ( also kinda sucks too, but oh well)
+ Oh.. and I was on national television and viewed by millions.. almost forgot that!

- Worked at the shithole sweatshop that is Journeys for wayyy longer then I should have ever allowed myself to. (which is a day past training)
- Havent been drawing as much as I would like to
- Had wayyy more drama then I would have liked (Id prefer ZERO drama obviously) thanks to a dellusional scumbag Ex that wouldnt get out of our lives...
- Sold my 360 (oops... sorry Phee... no Viva Pinata)
- stopped spending as much time with Buff as I would have liked to
- Bought 8 or 9 siq pairs of Nike SBs. (this should be in the + list but it set me back quite a chunk of change :\ )
- Saw some horribly shitty horror movies.. what a waste of money (Saw 3, Grudge 2, Black Christmas.. notice a pattern?)
- Had a few incidents I would rather have not been a part of or ever even found out about :(
- Got sick 2 or 3 times. Blehhhhh
- Kinda got screwed over by my doctor... but things eventually started to work out
- Lost a sweet New Era hat on highway 78. (Bye 30 bucks..)

So yeah.. Thats just the stuff I can remember right now. So, for the 2 or 3 people that read this... Hope you had a great 2006.

GOALS FOR 2007!!!

Get more tattoos!
Quit smoking finally? Or at least cut back
Get Tiffanys, Dunkles, Sea Crystals, Pusheads, or Iron SBs.
Start drawing WAY more.
Hopefully, start taking more steps torwards becoming a tattoo apprentice
Maybe move to Philly with my baby?
Help out as much as needed at the Digital Lounge which may very well one day be my own business/franchise if I should so desire.
Work on my already great relationship to ensure it is a healthy and long term relationship
that lasts as long as humanly possible... which is hopefully for a slong as we are alive
Maintain an ambitious attitude torwards life and work
Be a little more spontaneous
Work on making my relationship with my father a lil better
Hone one of my handful of talents into something I can enjoy both doing daily, and making a living off of possibly.(and get famous from too.Duh...)
Make other people smile/laugh more
Build up my horror/ cartoon dvd collection
Spend more time with lil Buff. (shes gettin up there :( and she will always be my best friend)
Maybe get a few more hobbies that arent so expensive? Haha
OH!

And most importantly... Keep laughing, having a blast, and enjoying life!

Another infamously long journal entry! Deal with it...

<3

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-12-02T10:39:00

2006-12-02T14:39:31Z

loveshack was great. Lover is great.

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-11-22T03:31:00

2006-11-22T07:31:35Z

Im so trapped.

Physically and mentally

I read through your old Xanga entries tonight. Well, 2:30 AM. And every entry was just about how much you loved your boyfriend at the time

Kinda sucks

You are sleeping down stairs " cause you feel like it"

And im sitting in your room seriously contemplating walking home
Id make it back to my house before my parents woke up..
maybe.

No, Im not seeing any other girls
No, Im not telling other girls I wanna be with them

I dont know what to do
If you love me, nows the time to show it.

Ive never felt so useless and stupid before for some reason.
Im not excited for my birthday anymore
I dont want to get my hopes up for even going away.
At this point, it isnt looking likely
And I can celebrate my day of birth in a way that I guess I could call a tradition by now actually..
alone.

wow. what a depressing thought.

Ive stopped listening for any little noise that could be you coming back.
Ive realized that you arent.
doesnt feel good
hope you can sleep, cause i fucking cant

i<3hergood

2006-11-20T15:37:19Z

so. Im on my way out the door to go apply at Gamestop in Hackettstown.. but decided to post a LJ entry for seemingly no reason. Life has been real good lately. Everything is great with the girl. Lovin her more n more each day. FINALLY seems like the bullshit and drama with scumbags has subsided and faded away. Very glad about that. We have grown alot as a couple I think. I have to give her alot of credit. I havent even told her this but I am really proud of her. She used to be really stubborn (arent we all..) when it came to fights or just petty arguements and I really must say.. lately there have been little to no fights because they end almost as soon as they start. A little comment here or there is usually enough to start a stupid fight with damn near anyone, but she has been apologizing and ending little bickerfests so fast and its really mature. I dunno. Most people wouldnt see that as a big deal but I love my girlfriend more then anything. And anything me or her could do to prolong our relationship, and hopefully, even have it last forever, just makes me happy. I know it takes alot to go from being stubborn to almost the complete opposite, and I should really follow what shes doing instead of just acknowledging it. haha. Anyways. Birthday comin up!

OH!

Phee told me what my birthday surpise is already... haha. We are horrible with surprises. We both basically already know what we are getting for Xmas over a month away. Needless to say, I am SO PUMPED! All im gonna say is she really went all out like she said she was gonna.SO thoughtful! She knows I am such a sucker for romance and she really is going to make this my 1st birthday thats actually memorable. No friends that I have ever had in my life have done anything remotely like this. Or even very nice at all. My parents are always great to me on my b-day but it's nice to have a loved one or friends that show you you do matter to them on your birthday. I mean, its one goddamn day a year. haha. Anyways.... Overnight in an amazing hotel. Heart-shaped hottub. Indoor pool... IN OUR ROOM! Heated, nonetheless. Breakfast in bed. Dinner w other couples. Fireplace. An HOUR massage the next morning. DVD n VCR ( I know people dont think thats anything special, but whatever, we are movie junkies.. so shut up!) Giant round bed. Roman collumns. Man.. Im excited. She also got me a Tokiedokie fannypack and Kidrobot toys! This girl really knows how to make her boy feel special! haha. I dont think I could be anymore in love with her then I am already.. Id be so jealous if anyone had a relationship like this and I didnt.

How are things still so new and exciting after half a year? Ive NEVER had a relationship like that before. Guess there's a 1st time for everything. :) Love you baby!

I have been playing Final Fantasy 3 for DS, 4 and 5 for GBA, and 12 for PS2 religiously now. I am such a nerd. I have gone from almost never getting excited w videogames and barely playing them to getting obsessed. haha. Also, I decided I may sell my 360. I am just not an Xbox guy. The games are wayyy too expensive. Over hyped. Not creative at all. And just plain boring. Prove me wrong Xbox. Please. Im not being sarcastic... I didnt WANT to pay half a grand for no reason, goddamnit!

Last thing, my and Phee were talking last night, and I realized how much im gonna miss her when shes away for Xmas. I just hope nothing shady happens. Or like, what I should say, is I hope she isnt put into any sketchy positions. Cause I know she just wants to see her best friend. I mean, Katie is awesome, I def see why she likes her so much. I just know how hot Phee is and I hope that there arent gonna be even more scummy doods tryin to get with my googie. OH! Raccoon tail in my hair today! and maybe extensions on top of that! Marge did Phee's hair last night and its hawt as hell. Thats all. Go to MySpace URL:

http://www.myspace.com/marjorieandphee

if you want extensions, colors, or cuts done for cheep guys! haha. Pluggin on LJ. gotta love it.

1 week til BDAY! Buy me stuff! Im not gonna buy you assholes booze without something in return! heh heh heeeehehheheheheudhgaudfhg[aoierth=w405 9e0uhjb

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-11-09T17:43:00

2006-11-09T21:43:57Z

"thats where they go to die."

I am fucking pissed

2006-11-07T18:29:45Z

I havent been this mad in a long time. Im glad a song that used to be ours ( which I have NEVER done with a girl cause I always thought it was cliche and lame) is something a pathetic loser would put in his info as some retarded attempt to let you know he's still obsessed with you! Doesnt some horrible talentless tough-guy band say it better then my friend's band Trophy Scars? Christ. I am so sick of seeing/find out shit/& having shit kept from me. I have never hated someone as much as I have in my life. I have never had my whole body fill with rage and have my hands physically and visiably shaking from how pissed off I could get. Relationships are about being with someone that you love. They involve trust. They involve romance. They involve simple routines just as much as they involve spontaneity. They involve arguing and making up. Buying and recieving gifts once in a while as a suprise. Compliments. Gazing into each other's eyes. Saying, "I love you." I have never been in a relationship that someone could fuck up so much. Everytime I thought he was gone for good he'd pop up again a few weeks or months down the road. I hated the deceit and I hated the betrayal. He has/had almost torn us apart two or three times which is two or three times too many. How could someone so trashy, so ugly, so uninspiring and dull be tied to my life in someway? A loser that is so convinced he is tough and hardcore that other retards actually believe it? Why didn't I slam the door in his sobbing trembling face when he pathetically showed up at my house at 12 a.m. just to beg his ex girlfriend to leave my house with him or he would crash into a tree? How could anyone let someone define them so much that if they cant have them in their life they'd need to end it? Or at least make feeble attention-grabbing suicide attempts so that their loser friends feel even MORE sorry for them. haha. I am so sick of this kid. He needs to fucking MOVE ON! Maybe.. just maybe.. instead of having cybersex with other trashy girls online while she was sleeping in a bed only feet away from you you should have been laying with her? Or maybe instead of playing videogames all fucking day and night long you should have been paying attention to her? Maybe you shouldn't have slashed her tires and smashed her mirror off her car? Told her you hoped diseases would kill her? Told her you hoped she drove into a tree? Yeah... those are all great things to say or do to a person you apparently love. If you loved her as much as you claim you did/do then maybe you wouldnt have fucked up countless times. Second chances are reserved for those who deserve them. And from what Ive heard from her and her family.... you DEFINITELY dont even deserve the time of day from them. Have some dignity and realize there are other girls in the world that want a boring generic nerd to be their boyfriend. Who wouldnt want a cliche tough guy to threaten anyone that happens to look at your girlfriend for a second accidentally. Jesus. It's so sickening. Go do something with your life. If you are so convinced she doesnt want to be with me then why is she sleeping over every fucking night? Telling me she loves me? By my side every single goddamn day except when she has to work? Buying me gifts for my birthday and Xmas already? Telling me im going to have an amazing birthday? Why did she leave you for me if you are apparently so amazing?

Get over her and get over yourself.

get that!!!

2006-11-02T18:33:25Z

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/8MVAXRLQU3FF/ref=wl_web/

Ok guys. There's basically everything I could ever want. I made it super easy to buy me stuff. So GET to itttt! :) hhahahaha

I love you baby, I would never do anything to upset you. <333

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-11-01T11:47:00

2006-11-01T15:47:41Z

I want a PSP bad. I have been thinking about it randomly for the last few days. I had one around this time last year and I stupidly sold it at Gamestop or one of those videogame places just cause I needed quick cash. Dumb move. Oh well. My uncle is going to bhe on millionaire next week. kinda funny. That two people in my family have made it onto national television within months of each other. Overall, i guess it was a good experience. Like I have said before though, Id NEVER do it again.And I really hope that wasn't my 15 minutes of fame... hahaha. I mean, i guess its more than others have or will do with their lives, but still. Not good enough for me.

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-10-26T16:09:00

2006-10-26T20:12:22Z

tommorow night is the party in NY.
mmhmm gurlz.
Me and lope got the last few things for our costumes.
being Micheal Allig and Gitzy from Party Monster.
Got a few things to sew tonight for our costumes as well as my fashion Concepts
& Construction class.
Saturday. Prob going to the Immortal Ink Halloween party.
Sunday... Saw 3? Party again?
Wow... a weekend full of parties..
Better go to AT LEAST one.
Gotta play Shadow of the Collosus tonight.
Stink bug problem.
she's got the cutest butt ever.
sexy.
shower tonight a MUST.
mmmmmm

ransom $

2006-10-26T00:42:24Z

DLing alot of GURO novels on her comp
violence on paper
sweating a lil
cant get comfortable ( mentally or physically)
supposed to be going out to dinner
want more hello kitty stuff
maybe getting a job at H & M
kewl
wanna buy a few animes
could go for some weight loss again
birthday comin up soon. want lots
of presents
XMas is going to suck either way
legs hurt
work tomm. oh man
sidekick still needs a back cover. where is it?
Kill Bill 1 and 2
I hate you SO much
hope you die
need to draw more
need new pens and colorz
plugs finally dont hurt, but itchy
I love her still
Im happy?
I think I just write these for me
I can almost guarantee no one reads.
HALLOWEEN...
Prob just another disapointment
21 soon.

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-10-25T15:46:00

2006-10-25T20:48:12Z

i have an empty hollow feeling throughout my entire body. The one person that could probably fix it either doesnt want to or doesnt know how.

It's worth trying at least though, right?...

Maybe my definition of love doesnt match other people's.

Im still in love.
I am.

Fix this
Fix it
Please?

hmm.

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-10-11T14:20:00

2006-10-11T18:23:51Z

so.. I am currently at work, waiting for my father to return so we can finish out the day with another task or two. Anyways.. finally getting over some 48 to 72 hour sickness. Yesss. It sucked. it almost tore me and my baby apart. Haha. Not really, but there was a little bickering back and forth. Its wierd, everytime I think things arent going great, or that maybe we arent going to work out ( which is SO rare it almost isnt even worth mentioning) something happens like last night when the movie was over. Pressed against the soft satin walls of the theater, the last people left in the room, sharing a soft passionate kiss while Pat waited for us in the hallway. Iloveyou's didnt even need to be exchanged. Sometimes a kiss says more than any word could ever say. And it is times like that that make me realize why I love this relationship so much. sighhhh. :)

I miss you!

love is...

2006-10-04T15:49:52Z

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

there are 20 other definitions of love on dictionary.com. I dont think love is something that can be defined. Because I dont think anyone will ever understand it.

alone in Kyoto

2006-10-02T13:01:33Z

So seriously. Someone needs to take me to Japan. And by someone, I basically exclusively only mean Phee. I would love love LOVelovelovelove to go to Japan. It is borderline obsessive. When I think of Japan, or see a great movie,a wonderful piece of art, japanese architecture... I get angry that I am not in Japan. I am not one that particularly loves travel or anything either, and I know that travelling to Japan means crossing the globe and spending endless hours in uncomfortable spaces just to get there, but I dont care. I need to go, I want to go, I WILL get there one day! Recently, me and the lope have been renting more movies. Surprisingly, we rented When a stranger calls.. the remake.. and it was actually really good. We werent expecting much, but we were pretty impressed. I was explaining to Phee, that when you watch as many horror movies as I do, you can watch a horrible horror movie, but as long as it has one scene, even one frame, one idea that gets under your skin, redefines the horror genre, or just makes you think or creeps you out then it wasnt a waste of time at all. She replied, "Sweetheart, I watch just as many horror movies as you, if not more.."

Which is probably true,well, I doubt anyonewatches more horror movies then I do, but still. It is amazing when you realize just how much you have in common with someone. And at that moment, I realized the rediculous amount of stuff that we share the same interests in.
We both watch horror movies on the opposite end of the spectrum, but still, its so exciting the day you realize you found the one. And that the one loves all the same things that you love and could be just as happy at a golf pros and tennis hoes party (that we didnt get to go to! thanks alot Pat!!!) or at home snuggling watching a movie. Its a great feeling.

Lately, my love for you has been growing. That night that we stayed up til 5 or 6 am, just talking, telling stories, kissing, looking into each others eyes... my love for you grew. Somehow, I dont even know how. But it did. It is interesting to realize that we shared a night almost identical to that night as well months earlier too. Only, it was one of our 1st sleepovers. You told me that night that you knew what true love was. It was a story involving you and someone else, and it almost made me sad that you ddnt yet know that you loved me. Not cause I didnt think that you would.. I knew you would fall in love with me as hard as I fell in love with you, but because I had figured it out before you. And I was scared that even if you did find out we were meant to be, you wouldnt let it happen for some reason. Im sure it has something to do with our relationship being too good to be true, but anyways.. two nights ago, I realized that the love you talked about months ago, was and is the same love that we now share. And it makes me so happy to realize that we really are, genuinely, in love with each other. I really would do anything for you. You are so honest with me baby. I know it took alot to tell me the things that have happened in the past, and you knew that if i didnt know them now, you would technically never have to tell me they even happened, but honesty is something so important to us, that you did tell me. And it means SO much baby. It proves you DO need me in your life just as much as I need you. Basically, all im trying to say is that you have made me the happiest, luckiest guy in the world. And it is almost overwhelming to think that I could feel this way forever. <3333

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-09-23T17:57:00

2006-09-23T23:00:55Z

well it's love, it's love, it's love.... make it hurt.

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-09-14T12:40:00

2006-09-14T17:44:38Z

Me and the Lope went to the short hills mall yesterday. Or maybe it was... The Mall at Short Hills? reguardless.. looking at dining sets (yeah.. I AM a fag) and Dior glasses and Tiffany rings and such, made me realize how much i really do love her. And could marry her. Yesterday made me so happy I cant even explain it. I just want to kiss her all the time and tell her as much as humanly possible how much she means to me and how much I love her.

Class is sweet. Sweet but a little on the long side.

In two days.. I say goodbye to NJ. Haha. YES!

come home to me...

2006-09-08T14:43:51Z

Today is the first day I have nothing to be proud of. No reason to not let my head hang low. I could tell you forever all the reasons you are my everything. How much I love you. How I would continue to dedicate myself to making you happy. I could.. and I want to. I will if you'll let me.

It's terrifying when you realize all the fucking love you could have in the world for someone is useless if they don't want it...

I love you.

well

2006-09-08T05:45:05Z

Hmm. Maybe im not as good of a boyfriend as I thought I was...

I just want to be your teddy... I just want to lean over and wrap my arms around you and tell you how much i love you. Look deep into your eyes and let mine do all the talking. I want to share a laugh with you, in your embrace, until we drift off to sleep. Or even just a smile. Thats all I want to do...

NO hickles!

2006-09-05T14:41:12Z

The last 24 hours have been nothing short of amazing. Spent the last few days sleeping at either Phee's house or mine. Had a pretty good weekend. Rediculous party. Almost everyone was belligerant, sloppy, awkward, or all of those combined. Went to Tacobell. Drew pictures. Read comics. Giggled. Showered a bunch. Napped in candlelight. Discussed tattoos<3. Realized how immature people could be and woke up to vandalism yet AGAIN! (Fuck you man.. seriously.. grow up..) But about the last 24 hours or so...

I walked upstairs after basically pulling my hair out on your couch. How many times could this fucking asshole make me this upset? How many things am I going to hear everyday that will break me heart whether they were true or not? I saw you curled up on the floor. You had been writing but quickly closed your sketchbook. I ended up reading it anyway. I knew I probably shouldn't have but I needed to know. I went to bed feeling like things were resolved, but still slept a little uneasily. You woke me up in the middle of the night just to tell me how much I mean to you. How sorry you were for everything. And how you genuinely meant it. To most, that may not matter much. But to me... that was one of the greatest things ever. I was so happy to know it was something that you were actually still thinking about. Something we both regretted, but something that inevitably would only bring us even closer. All I wanted to say that night was how I just wanted you to hold me tight, or kiss me gently. Look into my eyes and apologize. Or allow me to apologize and show me you know I meant it. I never said any of that. I never said it because I didnt want to have to ask for any of that, I wanted you to WANT to do it. And you did. It still makes me smile. It makes me so happy because I know you cant handle confrontation. I know it is extremely difficult for you and I know how that feels. Cause I am the same way. But you did it anyway.. cause I DO matter to you baby!

I asked my parents if they wanted to go out to dinner and they told me they were visiting my sister at school. They didnt know if they would be back on time so you asked your parents. All I can say is.. Im glad they wanted to. Eating at Applebee's with yor family was great. At first it was awkward and all I could do was fold little pieces of paper on the table. But I gradually opened up to your family. It was the first time I ever wanted my girlfriend's parents to like me. To respect me. To trust me with their daughter and maybe even be proud of her... I also really wanted your dad to open up to me. I told you that I knew I didnt know your dad well at all, but I could tell he was a man of few words or emotions. When I wasnt talking to them I was looking at you. Everytime our eyes would meet Id smile so big. The type of smile you only let those you really love or trust see.. cause you know you probably look like a rediculous idiot. Haha. I couldnt help it though. I was so happy there. I am always so happy with you. You make everything seem so simple, and right, and amazing. Eating dinner or taking about jobs or school, sliding my arm under the table and carressing your legs with my fingers. Blowing kisses to each other or mouthing " I love you"s and not giving a shit who was looking or if anyone noticed. This is genuine love. We got back to your house and instead of immediately leaving and going to my house we played Phase 10. A notoriously long game. We all sat around in the living room and laughed. Told stories. Smoked ciggarettes. We all joked around about how I would deal the cards. I felt like it was a special occasion for some reason. A celebration almost. Toasting each other and taking shots of liquor. Leaving a tiny sip for me just to see how it tastes. I finally got better at that card game. Finally finishing hours later, your parents told me stories about how beautiful and amazing Japan is. They know how much I want to go there. How great the architecture is. The food. The culture. Venice. Rome. Naples. San Gregorio. My parents. Their parents. New Hampshire and how great its going to be. Your old house in Stewartsville. The walnut trees. Your landlord. Play doh. You as a baby. We talked about everything. I had never felt that close to any other family like that before and it made me feel so great inside. So good about myself. So good about where Im at. So lucky. So excited for the future. So appreciative to have such a loving girlfriend with so much in common with.

When we finally decided we had to get going we walked over to your stairs. I had been thinking of kissing you all night. I wanted to so badly for hours at this point. You turned around and paused there at the base of the stairs. You looked deep into my eyes and slowly inched closer. Your lips curled into that adorable smirk that you KNOW melts my little heart whenever you do it. I knew what was happening. I smiled and followed your lead. We couldnt wait to just get up to your room. Or outside. Or at my house in my bed. We HAD to kiss right then. Soft..slow..passionate and genuine kisses. I remember your soft small lips carressing mine. The sweet smell of liquor on your breath. A series of super short kisses. But each meaning something special. Telling me that your parents like me alot. Or how much you enjoyed dinner with me. Or how happy I make you. How much you appreciate our relationship. I felt all of these things with each kiss. Pulling away only to see each others eyes and smile.

I drove your car last night. You werent drunk, but you did have a fair amount of shots. With my hand in your lap I heard messages being exchanged but didnt ask what you were doing. I knew if you wanted to tell me you would. Concentrating on the road, I listened to Braid tune in and out between your fingers typing quickly and the roar of trucks passing by us. You told me you had been messaging your father. Telling him how much it means to you that he accepts me as your boyfriend. How you guys need to spend more time with each other. You told me how your father has never talked to one of your boyfriends as much as he did with me. I realized you were crying. I asked what was wrong and you said nothing. You were telling the truth. You grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. I immediately started to smile. "I've just never cried because Ive been happy before." Right then I knew there was no turning back.

No more heart break. No more deceit. No more questioning anything.... You are my everything Phee. And for the first time, I felt like we were on the same level. Every overwhelming emotion I feel torwards you.. or about you when I think of you... you experience too. I love you's mean even more somehow now. Everything couldn't get any better I always think to myself.. but it always does. I am in awe of how great life can be. Things were so shitty, there was no reason to care, no ambition, no drive. And all of that has changed.

Laying in your arms in bed. Holding each other tight. You told me there was something you needed to tell me... I was nervous for a split second but realized it could only be great news. You told me you wanted to tell me so badly all night. It was driving you crazy but you needed to wait to say it. We both know what it is.. and you know why I will have that same rediculous smile on my face for a longggggg time. I know you will never hurt me baby. And you know I will never hurt you. You know I would/will do anything for you. To me, you represent al of the good and beauty in the world.

Thank you. <33333

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-08-30T11:34:00

2006-08-30T15:52:31Z

School friday. Finally. I am going to New Hampshire with Phee and her family next month. We are going to go apple picking, go to the aquarium, the fair, her relatives house. It should be a blast. I am doing as well as I have been. I don't need to write how awesome everything is or how amazing I am doing in every entry to try and convince myself I am doing well. If you know me you know how things are. Seeing Jen in Philly was awesome. Made me realize how great it is to have friends that actually care about you. Im quitting Journeys. I hate it. I dont want to sell "attitude you can wear" anymore. There is nothing even remotely rebellious about selling Adidas hoodies and 2Pac over sized crackah shirts. Seriously. What I put up with at work doesn't balance with what I get paid. Im glad I have a few jobs to fall back on. Other then that, just excited to actually start my career and not rot in Hunterdon County.

To the rest... Good luck.. You'll need it.

It isnt my fault your family loathes your existence.

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-08-27T15:46:00

2006-08-27T20:11:31Z

things have been good. Work was a little strange yesterday. Katie took my outside and basically said that either 1 or a few people were talking shit about me at work. Kinda pisses me off. I do whatever I need to do at work and people should tell me if they have a problem with me, not my co workers or my boss. I dunno. Ill bet it was Liz. She is kind of a bitch alot of the time. Pretty hostile for someone that smokes as much weed as she does. I just feel like I am wasting my time lately.

I have been randomly getting sad lately. Not as frequently as I used to months ago though. I dont even know why. Maybe scared is a better way to describe it? I guess it has alot to do with people in my life or just getting over messed up shit from the past. I am still adjusting to alot of things. Having a girlfriend. Being clean for almost half a year now. Basically working 2 jobs. Friendships. Trust. Money issues. Love. The future. Family. I am becoming a more responsible and hopefully, independent person as time goes by. I guess we all have to by now. But still, I feel like there is going to be alot on my plate over the next few months. I am excited reguardless.

I start school on friday. I hope it's as good as I think it will be. I am excited to explore yet another creative medium. Fashion design is a difficult but wonderful thing. I think I would thrive in a cutthroat extreme business enviroment. Haha. Either way.. I know I will have a blast pushing the envelope of what is considered fashion and challenging myself with a new thing. I figure I will at least get something out of it if I decide that the fashion world isnt for me. And either way... I always have my drawing to fall back on. Illustrator? Comic book creator? Animator? Music video director? Haha. I wanna do all of these things. And I will. Oh shiyyyattttt.

Trophy Scars was wednesday and Daughters was thursday. Both shows were... meh. Pat got a little belligerant at both shows and it was kind of annoying to be completely honest. I dont like feeling like I am babysitting people. Especially not when we are long out of highschool and because we are all almost 21. Which means soon, legally, most of my friends will be able to act like idiots when ever they feel like it. And spend rediculous amounts of money at bars. And drive around drunk but think they are driving fine. I dunno. Alcohol pisses me off. Almost everyone I know thinks they are smooth or profound when they are wasted. No.. what you just said wasn't even semi-intelligent... and No... that girl that you think you are successfully hitting on does not have a remote interest in you. It is just embarrasing to see people act the way you do. I always forget how socially acceptable it is to drink.. and that almost everyone does it. What the hell is so good about it? IS everyone that insecure with themselves that they really need to drink to be able to be around people? Drinking is overrated. It just seems silly that weed is frowned upon but drinking is just fine. Not getting into it..

I need new art supplies. Which reminds me, my birthday is in exactly 3 months. I will also need the following: bristol pads. New double ended color markers. (the kind that have hundreds in a set) Amano coffee table design books.(Final Fantasy or any others) A venus flytrap. 2 white peacocks. And a bunch of videogames. hahaha. Thanks guys! :)

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-08-27T10:01:00

2006-08-27T15:02:31Z

Sitting in my baby's room.
She went to the gym and I am unathletic.. so I chose to sit here on her computer instead.
Thank you for the new messanger bag baby! It was a very thoughtful gesture and I love it.

Starfox didn't come out yet. 29th. So I got Final Fantasy 4 for GBA.
and pre ordered a game.
Ima nerd

crack_my_ribs @ 2006-08-25T11:47:00

2006-08-25T15:55:09Z

today I wiped my ass with american currency before handing it to a gas station attendant that tried to take advantage of me.

today I will probably trade in a game or a few dvds in hopes of purchasing Starfox DS when I go to the mall.

today I will be working from 1 to 6 PM. I dont know if I like Journeys anymore. I hate when people act like they are doing me favors or that I should be so unbelievably grateful for a job that pays me 3 or 4 dollars less an hour then I could be making elsewhere. I still need to decide if it really is worth it to stick it out.

I wont see my beautiful baby until Sunday. Kinda sucks just cause I dont see doing much this weekend at all but sitting around or working. Two days isnt long at all though. I just hate sleeping alone now. I think thats the only thing that will be hard. I love you baby.

my sister left for school this morning. I hope she enjoys school. I will miss her.

mike is amazing. quite a good friend.